The L Word Generation Q : Episode 5
LESSON #1: BEGIN TO TELL THE TRUTH TO YOURSELF AND OTHERS!
Finley is so trashed that she did not even realize that she told Rebecca she was not a “real priest”. I could write a whole blog on not drunk texting and sharing feelings, but I will save that for another time.
The big lesson in communication here is when Rebecca said, “I was with a guy once and I stayed him for way too long because I was waiting for him to change and he said, “stop trying to fix me.” “And he was right, you can’t fix people”.
And of course Finley missed it all!
The kicker, the best lines of the whole scene was when Rebecca said, “I need to be with someone who is my equal. You need to work on your own shit. You have deep wounds, and I don’t know who hurt you, but somebody did.”
And like most people, Finley denied being hurt by anyone.
HERE IS THE LESSON: We, everyone, have to start telling ourselves the truth.
It is OK to be hurt! It is OK to have trauma! Where we run into problems is when we lie to ourselves about what it is. It is even worse when we try to run away from what we really want to try and fix someone else. We live in a world where we do not tell people the truth anymore and when we do we are labeled as cruel. Now, there is a fine line between controlling people and telling them what is “right” and “wrong” versus telling people what is true for you. Rebecca could have held on to Finley and lied to her about what she wanted and how she shows up for her and hope one day she would be better, but they both would have suffered. Think about it…how many relationships have you had that you knew you shouldn’t have been in but stayed because you both were lying to yourselves and each other and it would hurt your pride to admit otherwise. There would be less heartache if we were honest with one another and with ourselves. What are you lying about? What are you hiding? What are you withholding from your partner? Parents? Siblings?
LESSON #2: SET COMMUNICATION GUIDELINES BEFORE YOU GET SERIOUS WITH SOMEONE!
Dani and Sophie have to deal with a lot when it comes to Dani’s dad, but that is the least of their problems. In the spirit of communication, they have not set clear guidelines as to how and when they talk about things. Dani is obviously someone who needs time to process things and Sophie is the one who wants to talk about things right now this second. There are several people I know that are like this in their relationship; one needs time and the other wants to talk right now. I have talked to several people and they all think Dani is running away from Sophie and she should have talked to her in the car, etc. But..here is the thing…Sophie should give Dani time to process AND Dani has to deal with what is it about Dani’s “processing time” that has her feeling insecure. From what I have seen, Dani always comes back to Sophie to talk about their problems. Sophie (I am talking to all the Sophie’s out there) should understand that Dani is dealing with some real shit with her dad and may need time to process it all…on top of a wedding.
HERE IS THE LESSON: HAVE COMMUNICATION GUIDELINES SET UP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE IN A RELATIONSHIP.
Another lesson in all of this is: Do not let other people convince you that you have to have the same communication style as your partner!
People want to get out of working on and making an effort in relationships, so they tell you to find someone who communicates like you do or dump them. I have dated someone who communicated the same way I did and because we did not have any down time we were strictly driven by emotions and always ended up angrily screaming at each other and resolving nothing. I also dated someone who did not communicate at all. That did not work either! The only real way to know is to talk about it and work on it.
If you are committing to being in relationship long-term you have figure out what works for you both and openly talk about things.
Talk about the HOW (what’s the process)
WHEN (certain times of day work better to talk about important things)
WHERE (there are certain places in the house you should not talk…i.e. the bed or rooms that give off more heat than others)
and the WHAT (be clear on the issue. A lot of times we think it’s one thing, but it is something else).
LESSON #3: ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH COMMUNICATION!
In this day in age where the traditional aspects of gender, sexuality, and relationships are being challenged, communication can get you any type of relationship you want. Let’s take the newfound Throuple of Alice, GiGi and Nat. They first had a conversation about the the actual throuple action and what everyone thought about it and Nat had so much to say. It was great that Alice and GiGi let her say what she needed to say and then they all sat around and talked about what the throuple would actually look like. Who would go to the kid’s swim meet? Who would make the snacks? Do they do red carpet events together? And at the end of the episode they were all at Angie’s play holding hands.
HERE IS THE LESSON: YOU CAN GET WHATEVER YOU WANT WHEN YOU COMMUNICATE!
People say relationships can be hard and polyamory and throuples are harder, but people are finding it easier to have these relationships because of the amount of communication they have to do.
LESSON #4: ANYTHING CAN BE FIXED WITH A CONVERSATION!
So Micah and Jose had an awkward moment when Jose said, “I love you” to Micah, which he called an error. I have been there. I have slipped up and said “I love you” at the “wrong” time or “too early” and boy let me tell you, there is nothing more uncomfortable than that.
HERE IS THE LESSON: ANYTHING CAN BE RESOLVED WITH A CONVERSATION
People like to ignore things, but then they sit there and wonder things and make things up and go down this whole rabbit hole of “what ifs”. Micah and Jose were presented with the either ignoring it and being awkward about it and simply thinking it was an error, or…they could have the conversation and resolve it. This also opened up for them to have the conversation about what Micah, who is trans, wants in regards to sex. Ignoring any conversation does not solve or clarify anything. TALK! TALK! and then TALK SOME MORE! Early relationships should probably over communicate.